Photo by Alessandro Bianchi on Unsplash

Helping your partner through a job hunt

This time last year, we were living in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a place I never in my wildest dreams imagined we’d call home. We moved there for my husband Ben’s dream job working for a tech startup and ended up loving the beach, the restaurants, and the proximity to Miami. I started working from home way before it was cool and we were slowly starting to warm up to the idea of living there for at least a few years. Fast forward to April, mid-Pandemic. My husband called me into our guest room turned office and said, “Well, it looks like layoffs are happening today, but I can’t imagine I’ll be impacted.” A minute later, he got the dreaded email alongside 60% of his colleagues inviting him to a conversation with HR. The majority of his company was laid off in one day because the startup ran out of funding.

To back up, I married Ben in part because he’s a (calculated) risk-taker. As the daughter of a high school principal and engineer who spent the majority of my life in Texas, I was ready for some risk. I knew Ben would push us to try new things, even if I always thought it would be something like moving to another country, not moving to South Florida! When he accepted the role with the startup, we knew it was risky, but we also knew it was really well funded and worth it.

The layoff was rough. We weren’t expecting it, Ben loved his team and his role, and he truly felt like the company was changing the world. Plus we were in the middle of a pandemic and generally concerned about the future. Ben bore the brunt of it, completely, but there’s a lot I could have done to make it easier for him. And a lot he says actually helped.

Now a few months later, sitting on my couch in our new home in Austin with a happily employed husband, I hope some of this advice might help you if you’re in a similar situation. If you or your partner were laid off, I’m sorry. And I know you’ll get through it.

Things to try

1. Find an interview coach. When Ben first started his hunt, he relied on me and his friends to help him prep for interviews. This was useful to some degree, but in most cases, friends won’t be as critical as an actual interviewer. And in many cases, providing constructive criticism to your spouse doesn’t go well. It took a lot of the fun out of our relationship when I was the one telling him he needed to prep more or get to his key points faster. After about a month, we found an interview coach on the Muse who specialized in product management roles for large tech companies. It wasn’t cheap, but Ben found the time spent with his coach productive and felt more confident in his resume and interviewing after implementing the advice.
2. Take on a new hobby together. There’s no doubt this will put a strain on your relationship. One of the ways we added some levity to our day was to play tennis or go on walks together at night. If we were smacking tennis balls, there was no room for worry. And if we were on a walk, we’d typically talk through some of our fears or things that excited us about the possibility of a new role.
3. Encourage your partner to do something daily that makes them proud. There’s not much worse for the psyche than losing a job, even when it’s out of your control. I’m biased, but I genuinely think Ben is one of the most innovative people out there. While he was job hunting, he’d spend a few hours each day 3D printing or working on side projects. Those projects gave him life and reminded him that he is capable, smart, and a contributor to our family.
4. Take the weekend off. Both of you. When your work hours are over, it’s tempting to spend your free time job hunting on your partner’s behalf. Don’t do it. Take the weekend off and give your brain and your heart space from the stress.

Things to avoid

1. Obsessing about the hunt. There were several late nights and early mornings when I’d be scrolling through job sites and wake up alerting Ben to the new roles I found that he might be interested in. This a) made him insane and b) made it where the job hunt consumed every waking hour. After realizing the error of my ways, I would input any roles I found into a Google doc and leave it alone. When he was ready, he’d go into the doc and apply for ones he liked. This doesn’t mean don’t keep an eye out. We actually found the ultimate role when one of my connections posted about it on LinkedIn.
2. Getting overly excited about a role. Remember that late-night scrolling? That also extended to Zillow and Redfin searches when I thought we might be closer to picking a city because Ben was in a final round of interviews. It was significantly harder for Ben when he didn’t get a role if I’d already picked out our new neighborhood. As we progressed through the search, I acted like we could take or leave any of the jobs to help reduce the pressure.
3. Listening to the interview. Our physical proximity to each other was an interesting challenge in the times of Covid. All of Ben’s interviews were remote and I was in the next room. Most days I had to move to a different side of the house or outside to avoid inadvertently listening to the interview and stressing both of us out.

It’s cheesy, but it’s true: you and your partner will get through this and you’ll be stronger because of it. I’m incredibly proud of Ben for the work he put into finding his new role and I know a little bit more of what our relationship can handle now that we’ve been through it. In the meantime, enjoy this time when you’re not both stressed about your next meeting and when there’s still mystery left in your next chapter. And most of all, don’t let this moment keep you or your partner from taking risks in the future.